Just Another Flea
by Aleta the Nargle
Summary: In a Plague of Commentaries. That's right, guys, another My Immortal Commentary. Don't worry, I'll try to make it as unique as I can without adding ninja pirate robot unicorns. Now there's an idea... Rated T for Troll.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, my dearies, it's Aleta here. This may not mean anything to you but that's your fault and not mine. So there. Nyah nyah nyah _nyah_ nyahhhhh_._

So, for those of you who have never heard of me previously - I really can't blame you - I'm Aleta. I'm a sixteen year old girl, I live in the UK - and yes, my dear Americans, I _do_ have a British accent (oh yeah, _be jealous_) - and I have decided to read My Immortal, chapter by chapter, whilst giving you my views on it. Because everyone is simply _desperate_ to know my opinion, right?

For those lucky ones who have never heard of My Immortal then allow me to relieve you of your blissful existence. My Immortal is a Harry Potter fanfic. Not just any Harry Potter fanfic, however, it is _the_ worst Harry Potter fanfic in the history of the world. Possibly the worst fanfic in the history of the world - but let's not get carried away here, eh?  
>So let's get on with this. Everything from here on out belongs to Miss Tara Gillesbie, the author of the atrocity we call My Immortal, and not me. So don't come crying to me when it melts your brain. The bits in italics will be mine, though, so I'll try my best to make them interesting.<p>

...

Chapter 1.  
><em>Good start. Snappy.<em>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)  
>Y<em>es, I get it. However I am not laughing. If it was funny I would be. Please take not of that fact.<em>

2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.  
><em>Well, first off, this has hints of homophobia. This may or may not be intended - Tara might simply be stupid enough to think that saying 'ew' doesn't imply disgust - but I think that this is a rather grim development. Also, please tell me that Raven has not been editing the Author's Notes. If she has then I might as well give up and go home as they seem to be an indicator of just how useless the rest of the spelling and grammar is. I am not goddess of the English language and will make mistakes on that account but I don't think it's possible for one to make that many mistake is one sentence by accident. But anyway<em>_._

U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way  
><em>Cute name...? Or not. If I had a name like that I would get bullied to within an inch of my life. Aleta isn't exactly common either so I guess I'm not really one to talk about ridiculous names. <em>

and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)  
><em>Wish my parents were psychic.<em>

with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears  
><em>Now, some might expect me to go on about the word 'limpid'. I will not do so. Limpid means clear and bright. An impressive vocabulary you have there, Tara. However, I'm wondering how your eyes can be like tears. It would have made more sense if she had said 'and icy blue eyes from which limpid tears often spring forth'. At least that sounds slightly more poetic. It is also extremely melodramatic but still.<em>

and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).  
><em>I know who she is. Can I 'get da hell out of here' anyway? Nah, just kidding, I wouldn't miss this for the world.<em>

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.  
><em>No. Just... just no. Incest is not sexy. Also, if you're not related to Gerard Way then how come your surname is 'Way'? Parents name you after him? I doubt it.<em>

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.  
><em>This may sound picky but shouldn't that sentence say 'and' instead of 'but'? After all, most vampires have teeth that are straight and white. And pointy. Very pointy. All the better to eat you with! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha... Erm, sorry about that. Let's get back to Ebony, shall we?<em>

I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).  
><em>Y'know, I always assumed that Hogwarts was in Scotland. Maybe because I live in Scotland but mostly because it takes the train several hours to get to the school after leaving Platform 9 and 34. But maybe that's just me._

I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)  
><em>I couldn't. After all, it's not like you mentioned your gothicness numerous times previously, is it now?<em>

and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.  
><em>Even though, here in the UK, we don't have any Hot Topic stores. I'm not going to go on a rampage about how it's a Muggle store because I bet Muggleborns and halfbloods still buy clothes from non-magical stores. Ebony hasn't mentioned her lineage yet, after all.<em>

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.  
><em>Two points. Firstly, wouldn't a leather skirt be rather ... sticky? Secondly, pink fishnets sounds a bit, well, slutty. No offence meant to all those pink-fishnet-wearing girls out there.<em>

I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.  
><em>Trying out a natural look, were we?<em>

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.  
><em>Sort of rude, I guess, but since we don't have any backstory to this I will make an allowance. Maybe a prep once jinxed her owl?<em>

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!  
><em>Dramatic chord...<em>

"What's up Draco?" I asked.  
><em>There really should be a comma after 'up'. Buck up, Raven!<em>

"Nothing." he said shyly.

_Since when did Malfoy do __anything__ shyly? Wasn't he the kid who sauntered right up to the Boy Who Lived and told him that the guy Harry was sitting with on the Hogwarts Express was a blood traitor and that he, Malfoy, would be a much better friend? _

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.  
><em>Bit of an anticlimax there, really."Hi."<em> _"What's up?" "Nothing." End of conversation. Can't believe I actually gave it a dramatic chord. I want that dramatic chord back! Give me my dramatic chord back!_

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!  
><em>It'd be much better if you said 'thanks' instead of 'fangz'. A plot would help too, I guess, but why bother with such mundane details when you can have Costume Porn? And so much of it too.<em>

...

I'll have Chapter 2 up soon, dearies.


	2. Chapter 2

Whoa, look at this! Two chapters in one day! But I've really got nothing better to do - unless you count perfecting my skill for Spider Solitaire. Which I don't. So here we before, all Tara's work - except from the bits in italics which are mine.

...

Chapter 2.  
><em>Alrighty then, so far so good. This is looking fabulous, dahlings!<em>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!  
><em>I assume bloodytearz666 is Raven? Maybe? Perhaps? Also, it probably isn't just the preps who are flaming, sweetie.<em>_Why the line of 'X's? Is it really so hard to just put in, say, three dots? I did it earlier and didn't die an early death. Also, please stop the whole 666 business. It's annoying me._

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.  
><em>This is clearly a subtle way to inform us that she hadn't been kidnapped and chained up in some dreary dungeon. I can tell. Or maybe she just sucks at writing? Nah, that theory is <em>_much__ too far-fetched. No-one would __ever__ believe that. _

It was snowing and raining again.  
><em>Definitely Scotland then. Also, here's a little idea for you. Just say 'sleeting'. We'll all know what you mean. Promise.<em>

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.  
><em>And where, pray tell, was the blood before it was bottled? Perhaps she just stole it from some hospital or other. Yeah, she hijacked an ambulance and stole all the O-negative.<em>

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.  
><em>That sounds rather pretty, I suppose, if you have a generous and optimistic imagination. It does not, however, dispel the fact that you sleep in a coffin. A coffin. An actual <em>_coffin__. Look, I don't care how traditional it is for vampires, it __can not__ be comfortable. Especially if, like me, you have claustrophobia and sometimes have nightmares about getting trapped in an airtight wooden box._

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.  
><em>I totally get the idea of using a t-shirt for pjs. I do the same thing myself. But that t-shirt has got to be really <em>_really__ giant or you'll be giving the world a rather unpleasant view as soon as you get up. At least I wear a pair of loose shorts as well as my tee._

Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.  
><em>Again with the leather clothing. Please stop. It may be sleeting outside but you are going to sweat out about 20 litres if you insist on wearing tight leather right next to your skin. Also, what about underwear? Not that I want a description of Ebony's bra and panty set or anything but isn't she missing something? And, although I've never worn fishnets, wouldn't it be uncomfortable wearing them with nothing underneath? Just a thought.<em>

I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.  
><em>Ok, no mean comments about this. Nothing wrong with earrings - although four pairs seems a tad excessive but, then again, I always was a bit of a minimalist so what do I know? - and a messy bun is fine. Even I've had my hair in a messy bun before.<em>

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)  
><em>So we finally meet the grammatically-correct (or at least more so than Tara) Raven. I'm thrilled. No, really.<em>

woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.  
><em>The overuse of adjectives! It burns! And how could she grin at you before opening her 'forest-green eyes'? Are you such good friends that you can sense each others' presences and exact positions in the world?<em>

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.  
><em>More Costume Porn. Oh goodie.<em>

We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)  
><em>Comma after 'lipstick' please. And you'll look like clowns, going around with that lot dolloped on your faces.<em>

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.  
><em>Comma after 'said'. Did she actually say Oh Em Eff Gee?<em>

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.  
><em>Now, this is a good sentence. I could see a normal teenage girl saying that, blushing, nervous about the guy she likes.<em>

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.  
><em>Comma after 'asked'. I think 'common room' should both have capital letters at the start but I'd have to check up on that as I'm not quite sure.<em>

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.  
><em>Comma after 'No' and the 'so' is completely unneeded. Why the heck is this girl blowing up about it? I wouldn't yell at my bff if she asked me if I liked a guy.<em>

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.  
><em>Comma after 'yeah'. Ooh, drama!<em>

"Hi." he said.  
><em>Personally, I think that there should be a comma there instead of a full stop but I'm just going to stop trying now.<em>

"Hi." I replied flirtily.  
><em>Sweetie, if you're going to be a hypocrite then please don't be so blatant about it.<em>

"Guess what." he said.  
><em>I know I said that I was going to stop commenting on the grammar but I really need to say this. QUESTION MARK FOR A QUESTION. And I consider 'Guess what', from the tone of it, to be a question.<em>

"What?" I asked.  
><em>I would have said something ridiculous there, like 'Snape and Dumbledore were found making out behind Hagrid's hut' but everyone has their own style. 'What?' is sort of boring, though.<em>

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.  
><em>Muggle band. That is a Muggle band. Why does Malfoy know about a Muggle band? And, more importantly, why is a Muggle band playing in the only completely magical village in Great Britain?<em>

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.  
><em>Enough with swearing, sweetie. It's getting on my nerves.<em>

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.  
><em>Of course she does! You're the guy who has more fanfic written about him than any other Harry Potter character, except possibly the Chosen One himself! And even then it's pretty much a photo finish.<em>

I gasped._Why? It was pretty obvious that he was about to ask you. Why else would he have mentioned it? This'd be an epic cliffhanger except we all know she's going to accept his offer. Ho hum._

…

Chapter 3 will be up in the near future.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello, my dearies, if you're reading this (and I know you are, really. Trust me, I can tell), I love you. Because hardly anyone else seems to be.

Everything is Tara's - apart from the italicized sections which are mine. Blah blah blah.

...

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!  
><em>'Flamming'? 'Da'? 'Prepz'? Doesn't this girl attend school?<em>

odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!  
><em>Is it wrong that I'm laughing my head off about her spelling of 'otherwise'? Answer - yes. Yes, it is. Additionally, why are the only 'goffik' people the ones who flatter her? A mystery for the ages, I suspect.<em>

FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.  
><em>Ah, Good Charlotte. A band with which I can't quite decide whether I hate them or loathe them. Only time will tell.<em>

  
><em>What? No '666'? I'm surprised.<em>

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.  
><em>'Black high-heeled lace-up boots' might have been better as the current wording implies that the high heels are a separate article of clothing.<em>

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets.  
><em>Why ripped? Couldn't you buy any new ones in time for the concert?<em>

Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.  
><em>More leather clothing, oh dear. And 'all this corset stuff'? You need to work on your descriptions, sweetie.<em>

I put on matching fishnet on my arms.  
><em>Did it match the other fishnets or the leather mini-dress? It would have better to have said 'matching [colour specified] fishnet', just to make things clear.<em>

I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.  
><em>I always thought that straightening your hair made it, y'know, straight and that you had to use hair-gel to make it spiky. But I don't know much about hair and make-up at all so maybe I should just shut up about them. But where'd be the fun in that?<em>

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.  
><em>I love how she says it so matter-of-factly. Like it's an everyday occurrence for her or something. Mind you, it probably is.<em>

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.  
><em>If I were her I'd be reading something cheerful so that I wouldn't feel more depressed and consequently slit my wrists more. If you do depressing things because you slit your wrists and slit your wrists because you are depressed then eventually you're going to die from blood loss. And what a tragedy <em>that_ would be._

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.  
><em>Now I'm imagining a raccoon with spiky hair and black nail polish. Hee hee.<em>

Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.  
><em>I'd rant about her using foundation in previous chapters but, well, everyone does that.<em>

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert  
>.<em>...because EVERYONE drinks human blood before going on a date!<em>

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.  
><em>He has a flying car? I thought that was Ron. Or Ron's dad, anyway. Actually, just Ron's dad up until Chapter 5 of Chamber of Secrets which was when Ron crashed it into the Willow and it then ran off into the Forest. Well, drove off. Although, technically, he lost it a little before that as Ron had stolen it... But he still had ownership over it then and Ron was intending to return it. Oh, I give up. The point is that I didn't think Malfoy had a flying car. Wait, what am I saying? Of course he does. This is fan fiction.<em>

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).  
><em>No-one say anything, I'm imagining stuck-up arrogant pureblood-supremist Malfoy wearing nail polish and eyeliner. This is better than him as a ferret!<em>

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.  
><em>If you're depressed then what's with the exclamation mark? You can't exclaim things in a 'depressed voice'.<em>

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)  
><em>No! The 666s are back! Save me!<em>

and flew to the place with the concert.  
><em>'The place with the concert'... You mean Hogsmeade? You mentioned it in Chapter 2.<em>

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.  
><em>Don't do them, kids! Don't use drugs either. Heh<em>

_._When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.  
><em>Look, I know that's how you dance at those sort of shows - but when put like that it just sounds so ... well, silly.<em>

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<br>_I have never heard that song before. Really. Sorry! And I can not be bothered to look it up because I want to get through this Chapter quickly because I have heard that Chapter 4 is hilarious._

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.  
><em>Was there really any need at all to swear at that point? I don't <em>_think__ so. And that remark was incredibly insensitive._

Suddenly Draco looked sad.  
><em>Yes! Make him so depressed that he slits his wrists and dies and then become so depressed that you slit your wrists and die and then they'll be no more My Immortal! YES!<br>Ahem. Sorry about that..._

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.  
><em>Ebony. You have all the emotional range of a teaspoon. Or maybe less<em>

_._"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.  
><em>I should think not. She's never even met the lad!<em>

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.  
><em>I just had a prolonged laughing fit. Sensitive? Protective? What the heck happened to 'You'll be next, Mudbloods'?<em>

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel  
><em>Like I said.<em>

and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.  
><em>Something wrong with blondes, sweetie? Maybe something you'd like to share with my best friend who just so happens to be blonde and can give insanely painful bitch slaps. Just because I'm a brunette myself doesn't make <em>_me__ think it's alright to go around bashing other people's hair colours._

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco.  
><em>How the heck would you know? What, did you ask him? You can't just assume these things. He might be planning to dump your egotistical little ass at the next opportunity. <em>_I__ would be._

After the concert, we drank some beer  
><em>Uh-oh, underage boozing! Oh, wait ... they're seventeen so they're technically of age. Oh well.<em>

and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.  
><em>Y'know, concert tees are horrifically expensive. Just a fun fact for you.<em>

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz,  
><em>Crawled? Had it shrunk or something? Or were you so drunk that you couldn't walk properly?<em>

but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove  
><em>Why not fly it? Surely it'd be quicker?<em>

the car into…  
><em>Look, I'm not wasting another dramatic chord on your silly little fic. I just won't, ok? No way. Never.<br>Oh, fine then. DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNN!_

the Forbidden Forest!  
><em>Alright, that was sort of entitled to a dramatic chord. It'd better live up to it though!<br>And I hope Ebony and Wuss!Draco get eaten by Acromantula._

_..._

…There you have it, dearies. What will the Forest hold then? Can't wait to find out. Have a nice day.


	4. Chapter 4

Here we go then. Also, just so you know, I write my opinions as I go along, without reading any further ahead. Because I find it easier that way, I guess.  
>Anyway, all Tara's, not mine - apart from italics.<p>

...

Chapter 4.  
><em>Alrighty then.<em>

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!  
><em>First off, the spelling and grammar. Or rather the lack of such. But I shan't trouble you with such trivial things at the moment, I'll have a good long rant about it in a later chapter. Because, sure as Weasleys are redheads, it's going to get worse. Trust me. I can tell. After all, it can hardly get better, can it now? Besides that we have the declaration that 'ebony's' (Ark! Need capital letter for the name...) name is 'ENOBY' (Too many capital letters now. Sigh.). Alrighty then. Not my place to judge... Heh. Onwards!<em>

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!  
><em>No. He is acting 'defrent' because you're a poor writer and can not make your characters act in the same way as they do in the books and instead have to make them into whiny little clones of yourself. They may well have know each other before ... but we don't know this because you granted us with literally <em>_no__ back-story._

  
><em>More 666s. Oh joyous day.<em>

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"  
><em>He's driving you into the forest in an attempt to get your 'goffik' angsty ass skewered by a unicorn. It won't work, anyways. She'll just drop a Cluster F Bomb on anyone who comes near.<em>

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.  
><em>So that's why they drove it instead of flying it. Shame, I'd like to see Enoby and Wuss!Draco fall a few hundred feet to their death.<em>

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.  
><em>Stop swearing! It's BEYOND irritating.<em>

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped._"  
>I hate you and the way you have made me into such an OOC atrocity," he replied softly, "and now die!" He pulled out his wand and Avada Kedavra-ed her into oblivion. If only.<em>

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)  
><em>Why. Just why. (It doesn't get a question mark because that would be implying that I thought anyone actually knew the answer.)<em>

which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness  
><em>Enoby and Voldemort would make a cute couple. Except he would destroy her out of pure disgust about two minutes after they got together.<em>

and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.  
><em>Because evilness in a date is what makes EVERYONE happy.<em>

And then…  
><em>No dramatic chord. It isn't worth it.<em>

__suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.  
><em>Hah! It's a trap! He's coated his tongue with poison (he's already taken the antidote, so it won't affect him) and is murdering off Enoby! Woo!<em>

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.  
><em>Keenly is a proper adverb, you know. It means enthusiastically.<em>

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.  
><em>So you <em>_were__ wearing a bra then. Good to know._

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.  
><em>I really shouldn't laugh... but seriously? Sex on the first date?<em>

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.  
><em>Didn't need to know that.<em>

We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.  
><em>What, <em>_everywhere__ everywhere?_

And then….  
><em>The poison took hold of you and you died?<em>

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"  
><em>...really. Someone just happened to be wandering around the Forbidden Forest and stumble across you. Fine, right, whatever. Also, this is <em>_the Forest__. What happened to, y'know, the Threstrals and centaurs? Why hasn't Grawp grabbed them yet? No, not like that. Although that would be funny too..._

It was….  
><em>Has a great love of ellipses, does this girl. Oh great, now I'm turning into Yoda.<em>

Dumbledore!  
><em>...I have got to hear Dumbledore say that. Seriously. Just so I can die happy.I really should be upset that everyone is so out of character - but all I can think of is Dumbledore swearing. Heh. Mind you, with Michael Gambon you never can be too sure…<em>

…

Chapter 5, coming soon. And now I've got to go and have breakfast.


End file.
